No birthdays anymore?

Consider this:

Why do we celebrate birthdays? Its Dec __, 198_, whatever. You celebrate your 11^th birthday and then your 12^th and then your 13^th and so on. And each year its special. Each year some of us love the thought of having yet another surprise cake (which we know is hiding in the fridge) as soon as the clock strikes 12 am. The flurry of phone calls and the random gifts. The party or two with the people we love.

And then we celebrate our 29^th birthday and then 30^th and 31^st and for some, the fun increases with the number of parties to be thrown increasing – one for the real friends, one for the people at work, one with the family and the one where your 2 yr old cuts the cake for you. And for others the fun decreases. Its is yet another year of going towards the mid-life crises, of unpaid debts, of questions about the direction of our careers, or whether or not ambani school will accept my little one and will I be able to afford the fees.

And then we celebrate our 49^th and then the 50^th bash. And that’s when we learn to dance at the party, that’s because our children think its ‘hip and happening’. And that’s when we invite those people from school and college whose memories are only of us grumbling when they got a mark or two more than us, and knowing now how foolish we were. Those friends that you shared your lunch boxes with. Those who are balder than you are, some whose hair is whiter than yours and those who still look as dashing as they did during their residencies. That’s also when we want to boast about our children being in this college and taking part in these activities and excelling at those other things. That’s also when we invite our parents to our birthday party and we have to help them walk even when the walking stick is at their aid, who probably don’t realize what all this fuss about a 50^th birthday is, because they never had such things in those days. But they are so proud, so proud that the apple of their eye is smiling.

Next, we celebrate our 73^rd birthday and then 74^th and then 75^th. And it’s probably at the extremes of the ages that you don’t have to plan your own party. You have people do it for you. From the plush halls and exotic flowers that you have never seen in your life to the 3 tier-cake, which is a tad too creamy for your taste (when you can’t have too many sweets and you would exchange the cake for gulab jamun any day). That’s when you are the one who needs help to come on to the centre to cut the cake and you would take your cane but flatly refuse to use the wheel chair. And you stand there looking into the crown and wish that A, B and C were here but couldn’t make it through life with you so far. But soon the little grandchildren surround you before the drop of tear which has moistened your eyes even dares to come onto your face and your smile is back as those little things help you cut the cake.

And then one day you have your 80^th birthday and the 85^th …

But what if I live. I have my 35^th birthday and then I live, but I don’t have a birthday anymore.

So now, consider this.

You have your 1^st wedding anniversary when you set out for the most romantic meal of your life or even better, an entire vacation for just for the two of you.

Then you have your 8^th anniversary, which is when you heave a sigh of relief as the seven-year itch is over and you get the stamp of forever.

Then you have your 15^th anniversary, which happens just as you are at the end of your mid-life crises and things are finally looking good.

On the 30^th anniversary, you two are all alone and you get calls and messages. But the feeling of being ‘just the two of us’ now is a little depressing.

But what if I live. And only I live. Will I not have that ‘birthday’ anymore?

Change of status - from nice to ruthless shraddha, post fuming with anger. Who can you trust in kem, or for that matter in this world? They say something and mean another. God, help me survive these internship days.

It's a horrible, horrible world... inside and outside my head. Where do I escape to?

Unless it's mad, passionate, extraordinary love; it's a waste of your time. There are too many mediocre things in life, love shouldn't be one of them.

Does perfection exist or is it just a perspective?

Boundaries

Surabhi told me a few days ago that for this year at least, and for life one should not be making boundaries in one's minds.To elaborate this... when we set boundaries for ourselves, what are we doing? Are we trying to tell our minds that this is as far as I can go and please do not bother to tell me to go beyond this? The standards that we set for ourselves, at that moment will seem to be too high but once we have reached them say a year or two later, and then 10 years pass by, the same may seem to be too low. Is it that true then that we must reach for the stars, only then will we get to the moon?

It may be true. I did set boundaries for myself some time back. Especially in an intimidating place like KEM, more so because of the people there. Maybe, I shouldn’t have. Or maybe I am just making excuses. Or maybe it was reality that I had very sensibly gauged and it egged me to work harder than I thought I could have.

A friend of mine had written how he got over it. Should I have been like that too? I would have been happier that way I think. But then, would I have been happy now? I don’t think I would have appreciated it now. Was that time the perfect one to make the mistakes that I made? Would I have been the person I am today without having gone through those times?

So, what now? Boundaries or should I aim for the stars?

Photos of my trip

http://picasaweb.google.com/shraddhasureka/JanFeb2009InPhilly?authkey=Gv1sRgCMfdm-7IjtS9rAE#

(copy and paste the link into the address bar of your web browser)

100 Questions

1.ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT?
Some on the knee, acquired while playing football in the rains as a child.
2.WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Papers stuck with advice from seniors and the painting of Ganpati made by Bhai.
3.DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP?
I think I talk in my sleep sometimes.
4.WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO?
Hindi film music and instrumentals, for the past 4 years it been tabla to negate the noise of people talking around me.
5.DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN?
No
6.WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW?
To study, each minute counts.
7.WHAT DO YOU MISS?
Bhai
8.WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)?
My family.
9.HOW TALL ARE YOU?
5 foot 8 inches
10.DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
Yes
11.DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK?
Yes. I sleep with all the lights on.
12.THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
Bhai
13.WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?
I had a chance, and I screwed up.
But more than that I think its losing the people I love.
14.WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Light brown eyes.
Black hair.
15.WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO?
In Manhattan somewhere.
16.COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK?
Coffee
17.FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING?
I don't like pizza anymore. But paneer works well.
18.IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Anything that Mom makes.
19.FAVORITE COLOR OF ALL TIME?
Black
20.HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH?
No.
21.WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED?
My baby brother.
22.DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH?
Yes
23.ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED?
No.
24.FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND?
I don't know.
25.WHO IS YOUR FAV FEMALE/MALE CELEBRITY?
Sachin Tendulkar
26.DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW?
No.
27.WHAT KIND IS IT?
-
28.WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING?
Yes
30.SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED:
1
31.BLONDES OR BRUNETTES?
I don't care.
32.FAVORITE QUOTE
Keep putting in your efforts, the results then are in His hands.
When you love someone, you just wish that they are happy. Then it doesn't matter whether or not you are a part of their happiness.
33.FAVORITE PLACE?
Home
34.HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA?
Lots, but hoping to many more. A backpacking trip to Europe seems to be calling me.
35.YOUR WEAKNESSES?
Food cooked by Mum.
36.MET ANYONE FAMOUS?
Dr. RR ;-)
Palash Sen.
37.FIRST JOB?
Some stuff for Dad's accounts, ,mainly computer work.
38.EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
No
39.DO YOU THINK EVERYONE OUT THERE HAS A SOULMATE?
Yes
40.WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU FILLED THIS OUT?
Trying to start studying.
41. HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SURGERY?
No.
42.WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST?
My height.
43.HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES?
No.
44.WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Nothing right now. I have everything that I want.
Maybe strength to put in my best efforts.
45.HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT AND THEIR NAMES?
Two, maybe three.
46.WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
No.
47.WHAT IS THE BIGGEST TURN OFF OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?
Show-offs and not being tall enough.
48.WHAT IS ONE THING YOU LIKED ABOUT HIGH SCHOOL?
Getting to do maths, which I miss now.
50.DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes
51.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I am vegetarian.
52.ANY BAD HABITS?
Procrastination.
53.ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON?
Yes.
54.IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Yes
55.DO YOU AGREE WITH FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS?
no
56.DO LOOKS MATTER?
Maybe, they do.
57.HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
By crying or shouting or sulking.
59.WHAT'S YOUR MAIN GOAL IN LIFE?
To make sure the people who have loved me are happy. Help people who are less fortunate than me.
60.WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD?
I don't remember anything. Maybe, Barbie dolls.
61.HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE?
No idea.
62.WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A LITTLE KID?
What?
63.Do you use sarcasm?
I love it and use it too.
64.MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE?
None.
65.WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL?
Intelligence, humility, respect for people, the ability to speak well.
66.WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES?
Sonu
67.FAVORITE SUPER POWER?
Captain Planet.
68.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW?
The news on Times Now.
69.WHAT'S THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH YOUR ENEMIES?
Ignore them.
Though I want to explore 'Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer'. People in KEM tend to do that very well but I still can't get myself to do that.
70.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR?
Chocolate cookies with vanilla.
71.DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES?
Yes
72.DO YOU HAVE A COMPUTER IN YOUR ROOM?
Yes
73.PLANS FOR TONIGHT?
Study as much as possible. Keep away the temptation to have Lasange for dinner.
74.WHERE DO YOU WANT TO LIVE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER?
Anywhere close to the people I love and who love me.
75.DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS?
Yes. Its fun na!
76.WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
The news which is playing on Times Now in the other room.
77.LAST THING YOU DRANK?
Chai
78.LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Mum.
79.THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX
Height. The ability to speak sensibly and with class.
80.WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO IN YOUR SPARE TIME?
Get some sleep!
81.FAVORITE THING TO HATE?
People from KEM.
82.FAVORITE SEASON OF THE YEAR
Winter
83.WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE TYPE OF CANDY?
Lindt truffles.
84.HAVE YOU EVER REALLY AND TRULY HAD A BEST FRIEND?
I have three.
85.WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR?
Black
86.EYE COLOR?
Brown
87.SHOE SIZE?
It's 7-8
88.FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?
Home
89.FAVORITE RESTAURANT?
Red Indian, Amada, Maoz, Sarovar.
91.WHO WERE YOUR GOOD FRIENDS IN HIGH SCHOOL?
Greety, Shruta.
92.FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
Any holiday that I get to be at home.
93.PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS?
Casio for 7-8 years.
94.REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT?
I don't care right now.
95.KISSES OR HUGS?
Hugs.
96.RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS?
Relationships
97.WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT?
Bus ticket from Malvani. 'Thing' would be chocolates for Dhaval.
98.WOULD YOU EVER BE A HOUSEWIFE?
I don't think so.
99.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING?
Across - Self Assessment and Review and the volumes.
100. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE.
No time for it, non-existent.

It is another beginning with a goal in site.
I promise to do all that I can, while promising to not do the inconsequential things in life.

What does one do when tears cease to be friends? They don't come by when you need them the most? They didn't come when i needed them. Why?

Exams and their effects!!!

The results will be out soon. Probably in less than 12 hours. The countdown begins. And all those things that i had said about migrating to Africa if i fail, are coming back to me. I don't really know how I will react, if in case i fail.

Case in point... I was never scared, like I am today about the results. It was just another day. I still don't know why. It was probably because I was at home and I knew that i had a shoulder to cry on if something bad happened. Or was it that I knew at the back of my mind that something bad will not happen? But here, being all alone, having only this computer for company, things are way different. things are different because I am scared... what if i do fail, what will i do? The question haunts me now, it causes palpitations, it freaks me. i remember that one year ago I was scared. The reason now seems so insignificant... but hopefully it will assume some importance 12 hours from now. Now the golden word is 'pass'.

Lets see what happens. Something tells me that even if i do pass, i will not be happy. But now the most important question is... Will I pass?

So, if i do pass... dinner this week at Amada, gelato at Capagiro, buy myself a pair of boots from Macy's, truffles for home, iphone for me and then dinner/lunch sometime at Barbeque nation, movie with mom, dad and the whole gang of the 10-45 pm show... all of this only if i pass.

Highlights of the 2 weeks which have gone by

So, more than half my trip is over. a part of me wants to stay back, and a part wants to run away from here back home.

The reason why I wasn't jittery about coming to this new country.


Finally in Philadelphia, alone. Hoping to get a smile on my face.


AT work (no pics taken yet).
But the other places... the cvir kitchen and the locker room.
Outside work... the atrium at the hospital.

And the roads outside the hospital.


The days in between just went by in a flash (I'm hoping the blur in the picture signifies the pace at which time seemed to fly by).

Then it came down to the weekend of fun at NYC. It's such a pretty place and I was lucky to be able to see Times Square in the evening. The whole experience of walking in that area on a saturday evening was fantastic.
(I must leave now and continue later, if ever).

Change, for the better or worse?

Looking back at days bygone,
Remembering the mistakes of the past,
There came a period when I realized
“It was then that I wasn’t me”.

The change that was,
Was an artificial me.
I acted, I pretended.
I wanted to be someone
Or anyone, who wasn’t me.
It wasn’t that I was ashamed
Of who I was, actually.
But the rebel in me
Wanted to let out,
To live a life I hadn’t seen.
To be out of the protective shell,
To do what was socially –
Unthinkable to be done by me.
And on this way, I let go.
Kept aside the principles of life.
Didn’t see the evil through the mask of good,
While avoiding those
Who had been true to me.

Then there came days of remorse,
Faced by deceit and ridicule.
By those I had befriended.
How could I have gone wrong?
But that’s how it has always been.
All through the years, I have done
The same thing time and again.
Choosing the wrong ones over the right,
Only to realize later that the wrong ones
Could never be a part of my life.

But on the other side,
Experiences can never be mistakes.
This was another learning phase,
Those were the days,
That I had fun in my life -
Like I had never before.
Life then seemed to be different,
Though now I know the difference,
It was a scam, a game that they had played.

It won’t happen again, I hope.
For I cannot bear the pain,
The pain when I see them,
Here and there, but still,
They seem unapproachable.
Though I would love to talk,
Relive the beautiful moments again,
I’m skeptical, for it may lead to
Another phase that I will regret.

I cannot, not be myself, once again.

BMC 07

BMC 07 for me was a much awaited event... especially after the fun that I had had last year. I was looking forward to working for it and then the adrenaline rush on the stage.

It was a smooth ride into the team (when compared to the jhols of last year) and smoother one to take to position of the speaker (remember the drop-out last year, which I think had something to do with me being picked instead of her to speak).

Now when I am writing about it, I definitely feel there was a lack of tact on my part such that I couldn’t for see the ways things would be going and that I wouldn't be too happy about them at a later date. I should have made my opinions very clear at the beginning and as a senior member I should have stuck to my decisions rather than let someone else decide about what would be the team. Maybe from now on I will remember that.

Anyways, coming back, the whole experience was fun, like last year but there was something amiss (are you listening nirali, divyanshu?). the juniors I thought were absolutely amazing, there is so much to learn from them... from sasha's absolute genius, to saket's perseverance, manasi's calmness (at least on the face of it). They were fabulous.

The D-day didn't go too well from the beginning with the computer blanking out, to way I handled the questions... about the Q&A round... I think the reason I wasn't happy with the round was not because the round was bad for us. I think I just didn't do any good. When today I think about it, I feel that when I knew I could say something good, I didn't have the courage to step forward and take the mic and say whatever i had to say. i have the ability to be emphatic when i want to, to give good answers when i know my stuff, but i just didn't stand up and take the opportunity... and that's why i was so disappointed with myself.

But, a learning experience and a certificate (who can forget that!) at the end of it. And a beautiful evening at nariman point with ma, pa and bhai.

possible topics to write about

- Being an indian medical student/resident in india or usa... isn't it the same attitude everywhere?
- nyc trip
- making breakfast, dinner and managing lunch.
- Scrubs... the best thing ever
- the culture shock... work-wise and life- wise
- rigid ideas... like I would love to live in New York sometime, even though I think life is taking me the other way. But who knows.
-NYC... want to write lots of stuff about it... but there is just no time.
-Waiting... waiting... the second time in life... don't make me cry again... So don't make me 'fall' in love again.

Resolutions

I will not be cranky.
I will enjoy the four weeks that i have to the fullest.
I will hope and hope that i pass in the exam.
I will decide about...
I will hope that things happen.

Good things can happen too

Among the unnerving past 5 days there have been good things happening too. its better if I recollect those right now so that I can feel better about things.

1. Getting into IR. (This is where the cookie begins to crumble, or should i say that hopefully the cookie will repair itself in the next few days.)

2. The hospital that I have to go to is just 2 mins walking. Not a big deal except when you have to walk around when it's so chilly outside.

3. The first evening, I was roaming helplessly without a cell phone trying to call up uncle/Prashant from a pay phone. So I started out by putting in some quarters in the pay phone and it wouldn't work. I tried the Reliance card and even that wouldn't work. And I was trying to manage my heavy bag and the gloves, coat, cap. And then out of no where, when I was walking towards the door, a security guard tells me, "You look like Michelle". I said "I'm sorry". And he said "You look like Michelle Obama". And at that moment, it just brought a smile to my face and knowing my slow reflexes, all i could say to him was a thank you with a smile. When I was walking back, i realized what he had said and could only say to myself that i hope I get a husband like hers'.

4. The next evening, I just thought I should check out the gift shop in the hospital which is on my way home. so I was walking around in my winter gear, ready to leave from the shop and walk into the open. That's when i the person at the counter said that I had pretty gloves on. I had never before considered my gloves to be 'pretty' and here comes a stranger who tells me that the daises that are embroidered on the back of my gloves are 'pretty'.

5. Going back in time, that afternoon I made a discovery of the cvir staff kitchen. its beautiful. I had my first cup of Vitamin A & D enriched no-fat milk. and there is unlimited supply of 100%orange juice. So there is my lunch! and it also had packs of jam, mayo, etc. that i can keep and use them with bread for breakfast so that i don't have to go to the kitchen! yay, no cooking needed.

6. Maurice, the housekeeper in the cvir dept. She spoke to me for 5 mins. reminded me of Gangu bai with her built, her daughter with two children and her resolve to get her daughter to study further.
Kudos to gangu bai!

7. And today evening, as i was wandering around in Scott library, another stranger says to me... "you are a tall girl. Good for you! are you the tallest in your family?" He didn't have to say that. and especially in a country where so many girls are that tall.

8. Sumedh is in Washington in feb weekend. So he can tell me where to go. His and Veena's 'lectures' (couldn't find a better word) are always so good.


9. Njohu! What a resident! Hopefully I will get to do a PICC tomorrow. and semeaus will not interfere in my PICC!
I love IVC filters.

So life seems to be looking up for now (except for the whole list of bad things like the phone, having to cook, getting up at 4 30 in the morning, etc etc.)