Change, for the better or worse?

Looking back at days bygone,
Remembering the mistakes of the past,
There came a period when I realized
“It was then that I wasn’t me”.

The change that was,
Was an artificial me.
I acted, I pretended.
I wanted to be someone
Or anyone, who wasn’t me.
It wasn’t that I was ashamed
Of who I was, actually.
But the rebel in me
Wanted to let out,
To live a life I hadn’t seen.
To be out of the protective shell,
To do what was socially –
Unthinkable to be done by me.
And on this way, I let go.
Kept aside the principles of life.
Didn’t see the evil through the mask of good,
While avoiding those
Who had been true to me.

Then there came days of remorse,
Faced by deceit and ridicule.
By those I had befriended.
How could I have gone wrong?
But that’s how it has always been.
All through the years, I have done
The same thing time and again.
Choosing the wrong ones over the right,
Only to realize later that the wrong ones
Could never be a part of my life.

But on the other side,
Experiences can never be mistakes.
This was another learning phase,
Those were the days,
That I had fun in my life -
Like I had never before.
Life then seemed to be different,
Though now I know the difference,
It was a scam, a game that they had played.

It won’t happen again, I hope.
For I cannot bear the pain,
The pain when I see them,
Here and there, but still,
They seem unapproachable.
Though I would love to talk,
Relive the beautiful moments again,
I’m skeptical, for it may lead to
Another phase that I will regret.

I cannot, not be myself, once again.

BMC 07

BMC 07 for me was a much awaited event... especially after the fun that I had had last year. I was looking forward to working for it and then the adrenaline rush on the stage.

It was a smooth ride into the team (when compared to the jhols of last year) and smoother one to take to position of the speaker (remember the drop-out last year, which I think had something to do with me being picked instead of her to speak).

Now when I am writing about it, I definitely feel there was a lack of tact on my part such that I couldn’t for see the ways things would be going and that I wouldn't be too happy about them at a later date. I should have made my opinions very clear at the beginning and as a senior member I should have stuck to my decisions rather than let someone else decide about what would be the team. Maybe from now on I will remember that.

Anyways, coming back, the whole experience was fun, like last year but there was something amiss (are you listening nirali, divyanshu?). the juniors I thought were absolutely amazing, there is so much to learn from them... from sasha's absolute genius, to saket's perseverance, manasi's calmness (at least on the face of it). They were fabulous.

The D-day didn't go too well from the beginning with the computer blanking out, to way I handled the questions... about the Q&A round... I think the reason I wasn't happy with the round was not because the round was bad for us. I think I just didn't do any good. When today I think about it, I feel that when I knew I could say something good, I didn't have the courage to step forward and take the mic and say whatever i had to say. i have the ability to be emphatic when i want to, to give good answers when i know my stuff, but i just didn't stand up and take the opportunity... and that's why i was so disappointed with myself.

But, a learning experience and a certificate (who can forget that!) at the end of it. And a beautiful evening at nariman point with ma, pa and bhai.

possible topics to write about

- Being an indian medical student/resident in india or usa... isn't it the same attitude everywhere?
- nyc trip
- making breakfast, dinner and managing lunch.
- Scrubs... the best thing ever
- the culture shock... work-wise and life- wise
- rigid ideas... like I would love to live in New York sometime, even though I think life is taking me the other way. But who knows.
-NYC... want to write lots of stuff about it... but there is just no time.
-Waiting... waiting... the second time in life... don't make me cry again... So don't make me 'fall' in love again.

Resolutions

I will not be cranky.
I will enjoy the four weeks that i have to the fullest.
I will hope and hope that i pass in the exam.
I will decide about...
I will hope that things happen.

Good things can happen too

Among the unnerving past 5 days there have been good things happening too. its better if I recollect those right now so that I can feel better about things.

1. Getting into IR. (This is where the cookie begins to crumble, or should i say that hopefully the cookie will repair itself in the next few days.)

2. The hospital that I have to go to is just 2 mins walking. Not a big deal except when you have to walk around when it's so chilly outside.

3. The first evening, I was roaming helplessly without a cell phone trying to call up uncle/Prashant from a pay phone. So I started out by putting in some quarters in the pay phone and it wouldn't work. I tried the Reliance card and even that wouldn't work. And I was trying to manage my heavy bag and the gloves, coat, cap. And then out of no where, when I was walking towards the door, a security guard tells me, "You look like Michelle". I said "I'm sorry". And he said "You look like Michelle Obama". And at that moment, it just brought a smile to my face and knowing my slow reflexes, all i could say to him was a thank you with a smile. When I was walking back, i realized what he had said and could only say to myself that i hope I get a husband like hers'.

4. The next evening, I just thought I should check out the gift shop in the hospital which is on my way home. so I was walking around in my winter gear, ready to leave from the shop and walk into the open. That's when i the person at the counter said that I had pretty gloves on. I had never before considered my gloves to be 'pretty' and here comes a stranger who tells me that the daises that are embroidered on the back of my gloves are 'pretty'.

5. Going back in time, that afternoon I made a discovery of the cvir staff kitchen. its beautiful. I had my first cup of Vitamin A & D enriched no-fat milk. and there is unlimited supply of 100%orange juice. So there is my lunch! and it also had packs of jam, mayo, etc. that i can keep and use them with bread for breakfast so that i don't have to go to the kitchen! yay, no cooking needed.

6. Maurice, the housekeeper in the cvir dept. She spoke to me for 5 mins. reminded me of Gangu bai with her built, her daughter with two children and her resolve to get her daughter to study further.
Kudos to gangu bai!

7. And today evening, as i was wandering around in Scott library, another stranger says to me... "you are a tall girl. Good for you! are you the tallest in your family?" He didn't have to say that. and especially in a country where so many girls are that tall.

8. Sumedh is in Washington in feb weekend. So he can tell me where to go. His and Veena's 'lectures' (couldn't find a better word) are always so good.


9. Njohu! What a resident! Hopefully I will get to do a PICC tomorrow. and semeaus will not interfere in my PICC!
I love IVC filters.

So life seems to be looking up for now (except for the whole list of bad things like the phone, having to cook, getting up at 4 30 in the morning, etc etc.)