It is another beginning with a goal in site.
I promise to do all that I can, while promising to not do the inconsequential things in life.

What does one do when tears cease to be friends? They don't come by when you need them the most? They didn't come when i needed them. Why?

Exams and their effects!!!

The results will be out soon. Probably in less than 12 hours. The countdown begins. And all those things that i had said about migrating to Africa if i fail, are coming back to me. I don't really know how I will react, if in case i fail.

Case in point... I was never scared, like I am today about the results. It was just another day. I still don't know why. It was probably because I was at home and I knew that i had a shoulder to cry on if something bad happened. Or was it that I knew at the back of my mind that something bad will not happen? But here, being all alone, having only this computer for company, things are way different. things are different because I am scared... what if i do fail, what will i do? The question haunts me now, it causes palpitations, it freaks me. i remember that one year ago I was scared. The reason now seems so insignificant... but hopefully it will assume some importance 12 hours from now. Now the golden word is 'pass'.

Lets see what happens. Something tells me that even if i do pass, i will not be happy. But now the most important question is... Will I pass?

So, if i do pass... dinner this week at Amada, gelato at Capagiro, buy myself a pair of boots from Macy's, truffles for home, iphone for me and then dinner/lunch sometime at Barbeque nation, movie with mom, dad and the whole gang of the 10-45 pm show... all of this only if i pass.

Highlights of the 2 weeks which have gone by

So, more than half my trip is over. a part of me wants to stay back, and a part wants to run away from here back home.

The reason why I wasn't jittery about coming to this new country.


Finally in Philadelphia, alone. Hoping to get a smile on my face.


AT work (no pics taken yet).
But the other places... the cvir kitchen and the locker room.
Outside work... the atrium at the hospital.

And the roads outside the hospital.


The days in between just went by in a flash (I'm hoping the blur in the picture signifies the pace at which time seemed to fly by).

Then it came down to the weekend of fun at NYC. It's such a pretty place and I was lucky to be able to see Times Square in the evening. The whole experience of walking in that area on a saturday evening was fantastic.
(I must leave now and continue later, if ever).

Change, for the better or worse?

Looking back at days bygone,
Remembering the mistakes of the past,
There came a period when I realized
“It was then that I wasn’t me”.

The change that was,
Was an artificial me.
I acted, I pretended.
I wanted to be someone
Or anyone, who wasn’t me.
It wasn’t that I was ashamed
Of who I was, actually.
But the rebel in me
Wanted to let out,
To live a life I hadn’t seen.
To be out of the protective shell,
To do what was socially –
Unthinkable to be done by me.
And on this way, I let go.
Kept aside the principles of life.
Didn’t see the evil through the mask of good,
While avoiding those
Who had been true to me.

Then there came days of remorse,
Faced by deceit and ridicule.
By those I had befriended.
How could I have gone wrong?
But that’s how it has always been.
All through the years, I have done
The same thing time and again.
Choosing the wrong ones over the right,
Only to realize later that the wrong ones
Could never be a part of my life.

But on the other side,
Experiences can never be mistakes.
This was another learning phase,
Those were the days,
That I had fun in my life -
Like I had never before.
Life then seemed to be different,
Though now I know the difference,
It was a scam, a game that they had played.

It won’t happen again, I hope.
For I cannot bear the pain,
The pain when I see them,
Here and there, but still,
They seem unapproachable.
Though I would love to talk,
Relive the beautiful moments again,
I’m skeptical, for it may lead to
Another phase that I will regret.

I cannot, not be myself, once again.

BMC 07

BMC 07 for me was a much awaited event... especially after the fun that I had had last year. I was looking forward to working for it and then the adrenaline rush on the stage.

It was a smooth ride into the team (when compared to the jhols of last year) and smoother one to take to position of the speaker (remember the drop-out last year, which I think had something to do with me being picked instead of her to speak).

Now when I am writing about it, I definitely feel there was a lack of tact on my part such that I couldn’t for see the ways things would be going and that I wouldn't be too happy about them at a later date. I should have made my opinions very clear at the beginning and as a senior member I should have stuck to my decisions rather than let someone else decide about what would be the team. Maybe from now on I will remember that.

Anyways, coming back, the whole experience was fun, like last year but there was something amiss (are you listening nirali, divyanshu?). the juniors I thought were absolutely amazing, there is so much to learn from them... from sasha's absolute genius, to saket's perseverance, manasi's calmness (at least on the face of it). They were fabulous.

The D-day didn't go too well from the beginning with the computer blanking out, to way I handled the questions... about the Q&A round... I think the reason I wasn't happy with the round was not because the round was bad for us. I think I just didn't do any good. When today I think about it, I feel that when I knew I could say something good, I didn't have the courage to step forward and take the mic and say whatever i had to say. i have the ability to be emphatic when i want to, to give good answers when i know my stuff, but i just didn't stand up and take the opportunity... and that's why i was so disappointed with myself.

But, a learning experience and a certificate (who can forget that!) at the end of it. And a beautiful evening at nariman point with ma, pa and bhai.

possible topics to write about

- Being an indian medical student/resident in india or usa... isn't it the same attitude everywhere?
- nyc trip
- making breakfast, dinner and managing lunch.
- Scrubs... the best thing ever
- the culture shock... work-wise and life- wise
- rigid ideas... like I would love to live in New York sometime, even though I think life is taking me the other way. But who knows.
-NYC... want to write lots of stuff about it... but there is just no time.
-Waiting... waiting... the second time in life... don't make me cry again... So don't make me 'fall' in love again.